Don’t worry, not everything traumatizes your child!

As a parent of an almost 19 year old girl, I have done my share of sheltering and protecting. I was very conscious of what she watched on TV, what movies I allowed her to see, what she saw on the internet, who she spent time with and events, parties and people I allowed her to associate with. I was the modern day parent of the 21st century. 

I saw this not as being over protective, but more so as actually parenting my child and watching out for her best interest. I grew up in a very different time and environment - when the saying “the village raises the child” mindset really did ring true. My poor mom raised me all by herself and worked three jobs. So she really wasn’t around as much as she would have liked. She also did her best as a parent with the limited time she had. I didn’t really have much direction or time spent with my dad. He was pretty much and absentee parent without much effort in regards to the parent module. 

So I spent a ton of times with friends, exploring, hanging out, and at times getting in trouble. There were two saving graces in my life and one was music. I was in a rock band my entire life growing up and my goal was to become a Rock Star. The other was my martial arts this somehow was a natural thing for me and became my passion along with music. When I could have been hanging out and getting in trouble, I was rehearsing in my garage with my band or training at my martial art school. 

You may be thinking get to the point. Well, here you go……………… 

Here is my advice from a parent of a 19 year old college kid and a martial art teacher with 50 years of experience and 30+ years of teaching experience. 

1) Time spent staying busy is not necessarily time spent well. Just being wisped from activity to activity, does not make a well-rounded child. Sometimes less is more. 

2) You are not your child’s friend. You are their parent. That doesn’t say you can’t be best friends but it is certainly a different model. For example: I was always friends with my teachers in the martial arts, but they were not my buddies. They would put me in my place in a second. They were my mentors and as parents we are the example, the leader, the hero, the rock and the friend. We are NOT their buddies. I hope this makes sense. 

3) Remember, your child will not hate you or be traumatized if you do MAKE them do things they may not want to do at the moment. The one thing I hear more so now than ever, is “I don’t want to force my child to do this or that.” I think that is total bull, because you are forcing them every day. Let’s take potty training for example. Some say let them go when it is right for them and they run around in diapers till they are five or 6. Other parents push their children and they are potty trained at 2 or 3 the latest. I have never heard a child grow up blaming their parents for pushing them to be potty trained. In other words, pushing your child to stick with martial arts or music or sports, will not traumatize them. It will build them into productive youth, teens and adults. Make decisions based on what YOU know is right for them. They are not old enough to make good decisions yet. When they are, it will be good decision making based on how you taught them, not by chance. 

4) Do not give up so easily. What may seem like a huge mountain now, will become a small speed bump in the future. I have many parents that allow their children to quit training in the martial arts or sports because they are demotivated or bored or not happy. They do not realize that in 2, 4 or 6 months down the road their entire perspective could change. The goal is to get through the sticking points and not give into to them. Push past and you will be on the brink of excellence. Remember, they will never truly know what they missed out on, if they quit. 

5) Last but not least, look into your crystal ball and see, or imagine what the future may look like if they quit a said activity, then flip the scenario and envision what it would be like if they stuck with that particular activity. What would they be like in five years with it, or without it. Try to have some foresight on the future. Before you give in. 

In closing, I would like to say, being a parent is not an easy job so I commend you. Not everyone knows what to do, or has the support system to help them through. So I know you are doing the best you can with what experience you have. Remember, you are their only hope. The more time you spend, the better child you will have. Do your best to find the balance of freedom and expression allowing your child to have a life filled with exploration and imagination. Do not allow your children to control their own lives, always remember you are the parent and they will not hate you for being one. Our children see our parenting as love, not hate. Maybe not initially but in the long run.

If you have any questions please do not hesitate to email me at Shihan@lininja.com.  Feel free to share this blog post with your friends and please comment below if you like what you read.  It helps others to feel comfortable with commenting.