Developing the Black Belt Mindset of Parenting

Create Black Belt Parenting Mindset!

You may think, from this title, I am talking about getting parents enrolled in a martial arts program.  While this would be an excellent thing, I am talking about the opposite. Simply I do my best to live this message every day.  At times in my martial art school parents and students come to me with expectations and they may form, for a variety of reasons.  Once the person has them, it is something expected and many times people close their mind to other opportunity.    

For example: if I as a martial art teachers claims to help a student get in shape and lose weight but doesn’t follow up on those promises in a variety of ways then they may be falling short of their responsibilities as teachers.  However, there is a certain level of responsibility that lies on the person, the individual seeking knowledge.  That person doesn’t always put in the time and effort needed to get the result desired.  I have spoken about how a teacher is only one piece of the puzzle and the team.  Over the last few months in my martial art school, I came up with a saying “You + Me = We.”  Which is the team mentality mindset.  Most of the times in my martial art schools the instructors only see students 2-3 hours per week and those are the dedicated.  Rarely do they get students coming 5-6 hours/days per week like they used to do many years ago. Heck people are lucky with their over scheduled lives to be able to do one or two classes.  In only two - three hours per week a parent or even the students expects monumental change overnight. This is unrealistic.  Of course the more time you put in, over a long period of time, the more change, you will see. 

I am a musician and play the guitar, when I was learning the guitar, I played it all the time, but if I went to a lesson and never practiced I would only go back the following week, barely remembering my lesson from the prior week.  I basically wasted a week.  Most schools and school owners always do their best to create a team, between, the student, the parents and the instructors.  It is their goal to get the parents on board and ask them to become an active part of their child’s martial arts experience.  I honestly haven’t met a teacher that didn’t want to help the student grow and become the best they could be.   

I will give you an example: Just recently one of my Black Belt Youth students decided to quit.  I had a conversation and talked to student about his goals and he told me he was excited to continue and take his training to the next level. Within a week, his dad called and told me his son no longer wanted to train and was quitting.  I was surprised but not shocked. The reason why I had the conversation initially was, I could see he was the child was demotivated. When I pressed for a reason, the dad said “he is bored and feels he is not progressing, he is doing the same thing over and over.”  Many teachers have had conversations like this with their students sometimes in music, gymnastics, sports etc.

I explained to the parent we must continue to perfect the spirit and become great at what we do before moving forward, so repetition is a part of the training.  I also stressed the very lesson in not quitting and overcoming boredom.  Even when bored, or discouraged there is a lesson that is so powerful and irreplaceable.  The dad replied, “I am not going to force him, it is his decision.”  “Well, if that were the case he would be doing anything he wanted right?” I replied.   “Yah, it is his decision and the conversation was over,” as the dad shut me down.  

Nearly two years ago, this same father helped his son get through our very strenuous 6 month black belt cycle preparing him for his black belt test physical. The father was his sons motivator and encouraged him by walking and running with his son and doing exercises on a daily basis.  The dad lost 60 pounds in 6 months.  He was so thankful of our program,  he even bought a scale as a gift for my school, hoping other dads would do the same thing and follow suit.  In only two years, he forgot, it took effort and time and at times forcing.  He needed to be part of the equation and encourage his child not to make a silly decision.  Sadly, when the going got tough he gave up.    

The goal is to build a team, to hold the parents and students accountable, to explain fully how they are responsible as well.  It is not just our job at the martial arts school, it is the parents and students job too.  It is the same analogy – when a parent blames a public school teacher because their child is failing.  Truly a teacher can be part of the equation, but if the teacher is failing to teach. Do we sit back and allow our children to become failures?  Of course not!  It is our duty to always oversee the progress of our children.  I know my daughter is my sole responsibility, if she fails, then I fail.  Isn’t it important for us to impart this wisdom in our society too?  We must do our best to educate and communicate so that our children succeed.  It is a Team effort!  The old mentality “a village raises the child.” I love the saying by our late president JFK - "ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"  Just take out country and plug in school, or dojo, it works just as well. 

Here are some steps that will help you succeed. 

1) Take the time to meet on a regular basis with the team players in your life and your child’s life. 
2) Take the time to set goals with the teacher, your child and you. 
3) Try to set mini goals and monitor the progress and follow up and follow through. 
4) Develop a relationship so you can feel comfortable and work together in a non-confrontational mindset with the teacher.  
5)  Make sure all members of the team are on the same page and work toward achieving the desired goal and beyond.  
6) Do your best to take responsibility and not shift the blame on someone else. Remember you are always responsible at the end of the day with the results you receive. 
7)  Don't look for the bad, look for the good too. 
8)  Be realistic in your expectations.
9)  Don't let set backs discourage you.
10) Last but not least, Don't be in such a rush, sometimes we are in such a rush to get somewhere, we lose all the lessons in getting there.