What Mirror Do You Look In Every Morning?

What Mirror Do You Look In Every Morning?

This post stemmed out of a conversation with a few of my student’s families. If you have been reading my blog, this may be a running theme and may find it is a source of many of my lessons. After the meeting over dinner I was discussing with my girlfriend the conversation. “It really all depends on what mirror they are looking in, each morning, when people look at things,” I told her and made note of the comment because I thought it would be a great blog post.

Here is the background on why I had the conversation in the first place. We have a few families who have been with my martial art school for anywhere from 4-10 years. When they first began their journey, they sat back and watched the progress as their children went through the ranks all the way to black belt. I am sure along the way, there were things which may have been confusing, some ideals, philosophies and methods of teaching that they questioned, but at some point they either decided it wasn’t really that big of a deal or worth getting upset over. Or they ended up trusting what we did and allowed the process to continue. I say process because the martial art journey is a process and the process is a journey.

Recently, these parents have started complaining, causing a bit of stir in the lobby of my school and really doing nothing but picking apart everything we do. They are analyzing lessons, what goes on in a class, heck one mom said, they sat for about 10 minutes discussing things before they even got started. Really? These few parents have also started to be extra loud in voicing their disapproval, so other parents in the lobby could hear them. They have been poisoning the new people. Somewhere along the line they have forgotten, how we arrived where we are. Instead of looking at all the successes, the goals, the journey and looking at the growth and how we got to where we are now, they started questioning everything. In their defense though, we have had some changes in the school with some new teaching staff over the years. Change is never good for anyone. No matter whether it is good or bad, change is tough. So a great deal of comparing is going on. When you compare others or who you used to like to the new guy, inevitably the new guy will lose out. They are trying to look at the new person as a version of the old person and not allowing them to be who they are. So this situation normally always ends up being a tough one.

The conversation with one particular parent was very interesting. I listened to the parent of my student, but any time I tried to make my point they cut me off. I could see that no matter what I said, they were only willing to stick to their idea of the situation and not allow me to explain a different philosophy. At times being a teacher of Eastern Philosophy it is very hard to get a Westerner to listen and understand. Sadly, though, I can’t expect more. It is almost like speaking in another language loudly, with hopes the volume will get them to understand. At this time another mom was listening and she said you both aren’t listening to each other. I took a breath and held my tongue but I wanted to simply point out that my MARTIAL ART school isn’t a democracy it is solely a dictatorship. Meaning, it is my rules, my decisions and my thoughts that drive the school. I do listen and take advice into consideration, but in the end, I am the one that has to live with myself and my school and keep it going. At times, I have to live by the saying that my teacher from Japan said “there is a door, and it works bringing people in, and letting people out.” This statement basically means, if people are unhappy, they can always leave and go to another school. I never understood why someone could be so unhappy going somewhere and continually go back every day.

Now without this sounding negative because that is not the intention of my blog, I want to explain the Mirror reference. When a person is so intent on staring at a mirror looking for flaws, cracks, scratches, imperfections they will never see clearly. In fact, staring into a mirror on a daily basis with that mindset, looking for bad things, will cloud their view so much they won’t even see their own reflection. In my school we have a saying among my teaching team “complacency breeds contempt.” In other words, once people get used to you, they start expecting the benefits and outstanding service as the norm, then at times some of those people turn. They look for and try to find the negative, or try to find things to complain about and do not see the positive. The journey of the martial arts are exactly that, a journey. They are not a commodity. There is really no timeline or time constraint on the lessons being taught. At times with many of my students I had to put them through struggles, making them face obstacles. I knew as a martial art teacher, I risked the chance that they would quit, and I would lose them. Pushing them out of their comfort zone, is never easy. However, I knew as a martial art teacher, I had to push them to grow. I really had to take my chances. The same goes for parents of students, however this is much more difficult, because they rarely sit in my classroom and listen to what is taught. When they hear snippets of what is being said, or see the physical lesson they only see those things. They are not experiencing it first hand. It is like watching someone else play a video game or a sporting event and complaining they are not doing a good job. They do not know what that person is feeling, hearing or seeing. They are only seeing I through their perception. In my dojo we teach life skills and those can only be learned through the trials and tribulations.

The mom who I had the conversation with kept saying to me “this is your business, this is a business and you have to listen to your customers in your business.” I disagree wholeheartedly about one thing. This is NOT a business, although I make a living and charge for my services. This is a school, a life-skill institute. You don’t look at your child’s elementary, middle, or junior high or high school and private school as a business. You don’t look at college as a business. However even in this situation you pay tuition; it is not referred to a business. To me as a person who has dedicated my life to the martial arts and all those martial art teachers in the world who have done the same, this is very insulting.

What people don’t realize, is tuition is a mere way of helping support the school, the dojo. It helps pay the bills, the administrative costs, salaries for staff and instructors, etc. The profit from the school is part of the way, each instructor lives. You are merely paying a small amount for decades of knowledge and years of pain and suffering in search of the art. So at times, it may appear to be a business because you are writing a check every month. It is not looked at as a business, especially to me. This is my life and life-style and my instructors as well.

When people think that way, they think, their tuition is part of a payment for a widget and commodity. However, you can’t put a dollar sign on changing someone’s life. I always ask if a child was faced with peer pressure and asked to do something potentially dangerous to their health or life, what would that be worth to you, to stop them from doing it. If there was a menu, with a price tag attached to NOT having the child make a bad decision, wouldn’t you pay whatever you could afford and more? As a parent I know I would.

In this blog post, I think I have touched on many different topics and I think from this one post, I could write 10 individual posts. So I am going to stick to the one main theme. Looking in the mirror and looking for the beauty that you see, rather than staring past your reflection trying to find the negative. Look for the good, and I am absolutely positive the bad, will be a lot smaller and almost insignificant. Have a quick read of our dojo student creed and give it some thought. I will go into this a bit more deeper in the future. If you have any questions do not hesitate to write them below the post

Student creed

1) One must learn patience within the time it takes to take two deep breaths.

2) One must learn the way of life is righteousness.

3) Forget Desire, forget easiness, forget stubbornness

4) Think of sadness and grudges as destiny.

5) Do not distance ones loyalty from one's parents, family, friends and teachers, try deeply to master one's culture and the culture and art of Ninpo.